2 week check-up and A Moment of Defeat

We headed off to Rylee's two week check-up and up until today, I have felt really good. For me it is a little strange because I am so emotional and had the baby blues/postpartum with Avery. I expected to feel crappy. In fact, that was partly the reason I was so nervous to get her here. I knew the following weeks were going to be really hard and I was going to be exhausted and to have a two year old on top of that...I was expecting the worst. Which in reality, it has been quite the opposite. I have felt like a new person ever since Rylee was born. I have had energy I didn't while I was pregnant, even going off no sleep.

Anyway, everyone (or it seemed like everyone) was making a comment on how small she was and how tiny she looked. My siblings in particular were kind of worried, although they didn't tell me they were about how she looked. I guess I didn't really realize what they were seeing because I was with her constantly. She only weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces, so she was pretty small to begin with. I knew it was a challenge for me to breastfeed Avery, but this time around I was determined to do it. I told the nurse that I wanted Rylee as soon as she came out (which she came out sucking!) so that I wouldn't make the same mistake I made with Avery (even though I didn't have a choice, they thought Avery aspirated and whisked her to the NICU). I was handed Rylee and I started to feed her. Well, I knew I had milk. In fact, I had more milk than I did with Avery. When I pumped I could get 2-4 ounces every time. I took her in to her check-up and they weighed her....to my disappointment she only weighed 5 pounds 10 ounces. She had lost a whole POUND! I think I was expecting her to lose a little, but not an entire pound! I started to bawl. This was a moment of defeat for me. I felt like I had done everything in my power to help my baby and it just wasn't enough. I know you can't beat yourself up about breastfeeding, formula is great. Avery is the healthiest 2 year old I know and she was formula fed. That isn't or wasn't my hang up. I just felt like this was supposed to be something that me as a mother was supposed to be able to do. This was Rylee's lifeline, I would determine if she she lived or died. That was a little extreme, but that's how I felt. I felt like Heavenly Father made our bodies they way they are so that we could take care and nurture our babies. I felt like I honestly had done everything in my power to make sure she was getting enough. The first weeks of breastfeeding are hell. I won't lie. It hurts so bad you want to cry. I felt like I had just gotten to the peak point of pain, that it would start getting better, and then to find out I had to supplement. That for me was so defeating. I wanted so bad to like it, I wanted so bad to have that bond, I wanted so bad to have the benefits for me from breastfeeding (selfish? maybe a little!) but I knew I couldn't do both. I couldn't breastfeed and then give her a bottle. Mentally, I just couldn't do it. I tried it with Avery and I was a mess. And then to have a two year old on top of feedings....it seemed impossible or nearly impossible. I have to be a sane mom and a sane wife. So I gave up breastfeeding. (The worst part of this was looking at her little body with no fat on it. Her little hip bones stuck out. I felt really bad.)

5/10/11-As the days have gone by, I think I was producing enough milk, I think Rylee is just a really lazy eater. I would pump and it seemed to be enough. She is now gaining weight and looks a lot better. She is eating a lot better 2-3 ounces every two hours. She used to be really hard to wake up, but now she is acting like she should be. I guess I shouldn't kick myself too hard. I did what I could, but she has to do her part too! I took her in on 5/3/11 and she was at 6 pounds 10 ounces! Yeah!