Sweet James

Grandma and Grandpa w/the grandkids

 We went and put balloons on his grave from all the cousins and his sister.

Today is my sweet nephew, James' one year birthday. It's seems strange to think that it has already been a year. I'm sure this year hasn't gone as fast for my sister as it has for the rest of us. It is kind of a bitter sweet day. Talking to Jaymie, she was wishing it could have been a day of celebration rather than a day spent going to the cemetery. Unfortunately, it was the latter. I don't know if I have a disrespected view point or not. I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but if it were me, I would want today to be a day of celebration. I know I am not in those shoes, but I would want to not just to celebrate that he is turning one, but to celebrate life. It's a chance to celebrate the fact that we know we will see him again and to celebrate the fact that there is life after this one. I want this day so bad to be normal for Jaymie and Mark. But how "normal" can it really be. I want so badly to celebrate big and celebrate Jaymie being a mom and Mark a dad. I want the world to know that this little spirit is alive and that he is ONE!! And I want everyone to celebrate with us! When your kid has a birthday, it's your birthday too, and it should be an exciting day! For unknown reasons, this new "normal" is okay. This new normal on October 19th will be one to celebrate forever.

I hope it's okay to share this Aubrey...but I was talking with Aubrey on our way home from the cemetery and Aubrey was asking or talking about will there ever be a day that we don't find this day important or find ourselves "too" busy to celebrate. I honestly, truly hope that that day never comes. I don't know what it is, but my nieces and nephews feel like they are partly mine. I feel like James is partly mine. I feel like that little graveside is partly mine. And I would certainly hope that I would never forget my child. I want this day to be a celebration for the years to come. 

We went to dinner at the Olive Garden, and I really wanted to bring a cake and sing to him. Am I so dysfunctional? It's probably not appropriate and probably a good thing I didn't bring one, but I really did just feel like singing happy birthday to at least Jaymie and Mark. It is a birthday to celebrate and maybe one day it will get to a point where we can sing to him. (probably not since I am such a crier! I wouldn't be able to make it through the song!)

Anyway, I'm grateful that we are past the one year mark. Jaymie will be celebrating her new little girl any day now and hopefully this time of year can be a celebration of life for both her little kids. We love you James Happy Birthday and we'll see you soon.